the suicide note

the dedication of this song goes out to akshat golas,a good friend and a brilliant thinker.he once told me a story he thought about,and i went ahead and wrote a song on that.this is the song that follows his story.here goes the story.

There's a man, who loved his deceased wife, and they had a daughter.. He obviously loved her, and over protected her too much.. So one day she decides to break the laws laid down by her father, and hence brings a guy home behind her father's back.. The man gets home unexpectedly early and finds the guy having his way with his daughter.. He gets a knife from the kitchen and attacks the guy outta rage, but accidently kills his daughter instead..

The whole society then laughs at him, under the pressure of which he commits suicide..

the song is written through the perspective of a police officer who discovered the suicide note during his investigation.

a hallway i walked..
a murder i stalked..
n i stumbled upon a paper..
lying near..
in a jagged writing..
as if written off fighting..
some urge or a war..
not clear..
and i sat down to read..
while smoking some weed..
unknown to the arrival..
of fear.

"To everyone..
please don't laugh through my last rites..
don't make fun..
of my plights.
not a day has gone..
without shame surrounding me..
not a day has gone..
without people hounding me..
not a day has gone..
when they haven't laughed on me..
not a day has gone..
when i haven't cried to plea..
don't judge me for what i did..
whom i buried was my own kid..
tonight i write to speak it all..
you'll have it all to judge me with!
for the ones who call me a ruthless father..
for the ones who'd raise my daughter rather..
for the ones who compare me with the fuehrer..
for the ones who call me a murderer..
let me tell you all;all.
it was a dark afternoon..
after a rainy morning..
i was going back home rather soon..
and as i was walking..
i thought of surprising my daughter..
i planned a trip on a yacht..
for i knew she loved the British style..
so i bought for her a hat..
i reached home i didn't knock..
i used the spare key for the lock..
as i turned around to look at the clock..
i heard her speaking,and i heard a man talk..
surprised with the voice i peeped inside..
and felt as if the world was blown..
i slipped and nearly fell on the doorside..
when i saw him thrust and i heard her moan..
i couldn't believe all that i saw..
like a nightmare which was real..
i forgot the world,i forgot the law..
and i attacked him with a spear..
i was blind with rage..
i was mad for slaughter..
and on that mad stage..
i accidentally killed  my own daughter!
my heart..
my soul..
my part..
or whole..
she was..
my first..
my last..
love..alive..she..
was.

her mother died when she was born..
her mother..my wife..
when i married her i had sworn..
that i'd protect her from everything..
and would be with her in all..
when she was dying i had sworn..
that i'd be a complete family for our daughter..
and i'd protect her from everything..
until i die..
i failed her twice..
when she was dead..and when she was alive..
she died giving birth to our child..
we died when i killed our child..
i felt as if i was never the right man..
never the right husband..
never the right father..
the world was better without me rather..
tonight,everyone..
i wanted to speak..
i loved them more than me..
for they were me..
and when they died..
i did..
all these years..
i was carrying a dead body along..
the life had long back departed..
and tonight..
i depart the body..
please understand me..
i was never a murderer..
i was a guilty husband..
and a remorseful father. "

i was stunned..
silent..
what i just read..
was not a proof of any death..
but the tears of unspoken wrath..
if words could walk..
what i read,ran..
through me.
and then i saw another..
note lying right beside the body..
crumbled..
in agony or pain,i wonder till date..
i opened it and read..

"Father.
you've loved me all my life..
and protected me from everything..
as you say you promised mum..
but all these years..
protecting me..
and loving me..
you never realized..
that i grew up..
i am a butterfly now..
you can't bind my wings..
for i'll spread them..
to fly away for some fragrance some day..
stop overprotecting..
stop overreacting..
stop demanding the kid in me..
for the kid is gone..
never to come home..
today i'll bring my lover home..
i'll sink my fangs into him..
and lose my venom..
and tomorrow..
we'll both run away..
to live our lives..
our way..
i'll always love you..
i always have.

your daughter."

i tried to hold the two letters in my hand..
but they slipped through just like sand..
for there was just one thing in my mind..
if only life could have gone rewind..
if the second letter could have been read before the first happened..
i would've attended a celebration today..
and not a funeral.

the leaf

it was 4.45 in the evening.Though it was early December,the air hadn't acquired the freezing chill that was the identity of Delhi's winters.Even the fog was seemingly lazy this year,and arrived around midnight,leaving the daytime alone with comfort and warmth.He was sitting on a bench in the open air theater of the India habitat center.The bench was surrounded by a garden of trees on three side,and the fourth side,right in front of him,was an open passageway through which a couple of people came about across every three minutes discussing from the band performing in the hard rock cafe that weekend to the new script of hansraj college's new drama.He was smoking a cigarette,and was factually blank in the head.He saw every puff leave his mouth as he tried to slow down his exhaling,to let the smoke become a part of his blood.The sudden turn of events in the morning had left him numb and he couldn't come to any conclusion regarding the steps to be taken now.And then suddenly,as if out of nowhere,he found a long leaf lying right in front of him,just beside the bench behind a which a 5 feet tall tree was leaning forwards.The leaf was the same as the others on that tree,except that it was on the ground and the others still clanged to the parent.He stared at that leaf for a few moments,with an adamant gaze,as if to request the leaf to wake up and talk to him.But the leaf dint move.He was just staring at it.He started thinking,sometime back,maybe in the spring this year,this leaf would have been born on that adjacent tree below which it now laid.This tree,which would've kept the leaf close to its branches,hidden from the bright and hot sun of Delhi's summers,to protect its sheath from turning brown.The tree,that would've provided this leaf with the water it got from its roots.And this leaf,which would've provided this tree with food and life.Together,the tree and the leaf would've seen so many seasons together,battling the adversities of winters out,basking in the times of pleasant springs,and drenching in the joy of the monsoons.For the leaf,the tree would've been the parent,and the leaf its child.Why then,suddenly one day,the tree decided to detach the leaf from itself,and throw it away on the ground leaving it to struggle on its own,without even looking at it once.Maybe that tree had a lot of other leaves to nourish,to nurture,and to provide protection to,but for the leaf,there were no other trees.For that tree would've been the place of its existence.The place it could call home.the place where it belonged.Now how the tree would be feeling.He wondered.He was the leaf for a few moments.Snapped and stuck between the dilemma of leaving the place which gave him the identity of his own,the feeling of physical presence and materialistic being.And still he felt a surge of loathe towards the tree.How easily it snapped him off.Had he not embraced it for his whole life,the life they had spent together.And now,being thrown away like a rag,he felt disgusted towards the tree.
He looked at the tree.He looked at the leaf.His cigarette had finished.He had to go buy a new one.He had to think where to spend this night and the coming ones too,and had to think about the ways for survival.For he had never been kicked out of home before this.

too scared to raise the sword

brave and strong..

he walked the isles of sand..

with a heart of a lion..

and the eye of a tiger..

had seen many battles..

the invincible warrior..

never had his sword bowed to a man..

off in the thoughts of life..

he walked through the dust..

his shield on his arm..

to the enemy state..

bound to kill..every single sign of life..

and he pushed the gates of the empire open..

and he raised his sword..

to kill the woman running away..

he knew he was too fast for her..

she knew he was too fast for her..

and her veil slipped..

and rebecca screamed for mercy..

rebecca..

born in the desert lands of arabia..

hazel eyed,beautiful as princess..

a soldier's daughter..

a martyr's blood..

raised by her mother..

who never saw her turning into a teen..

the family killed in a battle..

with the blood of a warrior..

she went away to farther lands..

to seek the murderer of her father..

to avenge her inheritence..

she'd heard about him..

he was an invincible warrior..

with the heart of a lion..

and the eye of a tiger..

she'd heard..

that his sword had never bowed to a man..

they called him adil..

adil..

didn't know who he was..

or where he came from..

or where he belonged..

they say he was picked up by a bladesmith..

from the gutters..

he called the bladesmith,father..

though he hated that word..

coz he always craved for closeness..

which he never got..

all his life he lived amongst swords..

swords were his first friend..

and his last..

so he knew how to wield a sword..

even better than the king..

and thus his fame rose..

until he became the fighter....

whom no one could beat..

they said he had a heart of a lion..

and the eye of a tiger..

had seen many battles..

the invincible warrior..

never had his sword bowed to a man..

rebecca..

walked through the roads of the unknown land..

with a veil on her face..

only her hazel eyes were visible..

she turned into a corner..

into a dark alley..

a few men were drinking at the end..

she tried to avert her way..

but they were too fast and strong for her..

and captured her..

playing with her beauty..

she screamed for help..

when a man with long flying hair..

blue eyes and a strong jaw..

with his muscular strong arms..

pulled her away from the men..

and stood in between the wolves and the bait..

in his husky deep voice..

he asked them to leave her alone..

but the wolves were drunk..

and they called him to fight..

he took out his sword..

and killed them all in a flash..

then he looked back at the one he had saved..

the blue eyes met the hazel..

and silence floated around..

as if both of them had melted into the night..

and were a part of it..

his hands touched her face..

as he slowly took the veil off her face..

and saw her beautiful face..

and felt the closeness he had raved for all his life..

and she looked back at him..

mesmerised by his aura..

he had heard people talking about love..

she had heard people talking about love..

he dint knew what it was..

she dint knew what it was..

but they knew it bound them forever..

beyond their destinies could meet..

their fates were sealed..

across the sands of the desert..

his breath became a part of hers..

as he came close to her lips..

and touched them with his..

he felt blessed..

he felt alive..

he felt he knew someone in this world..

who was closer to him than his sword..

she felt complete..

as if her parents had returned to earth...

to embrace her into warmth..

she felt overwhelmed..

then they parted their lips..

and he asked her name..

rebecca,she said..

she asked his..

he had hardly said adil..

when he saw her eyes widen with fear..

he had seen fear all his life..

so he knew it was fear..

and she ran away from him somewhere..

somewhere he could never find her again..

and he never saw her..

until one day..

brave and strong..

he walked the isles of sand..

with a heart of a lion..

and the eye of a tiger..

off in the thoughts of life..

he walked through the dust..

his shield on his arm..

to the enemy state..

bound to kill..every single sign of life..

and he pushed the gates of the empire open..

and he raised his sword..

to kill the woman running away..

he knew he was too fast for her..

she knew he was too fast for her..

and her veil slipped..

and rebecca screamed for mercy..

and for the first time in his life..

him..

the invincible warrior..

with a heart of a lion..

and the eye of a tiger..

had seen many battles..

never had his sword bowed to a man..

was too scared to raise the sword.

void on title,not descriptive enough

last night in my dream..

you came over to make me realise..

what seperates the reality from dreams..

you were embodied in the air..

and bodyless still..

you were the light in my room..

you were the air around me..

you were the dark behind..

you were the cold i felt..

you were the warmth i needed..

you were it all..

yet you were nothing at all..

and you asked me what i was writing..

and even though i dont know..

whether i could ever satisfy the 'what'..

but i do know..

even after years..generations..or maybe a lifetime..when you'd come back in my dream..

i'd still be writing about you.

stray

even after all these years..

i leave my sentences midway..

coz they wont matter even if completed..

as if i havent made myself understood..

or i have never been understood the way i expected..

or maybe coz i never did expect in the first place..

i stayed along the bank of the river..

like a stray thread of straw..

who wants to touch the water..

to smell its pureness..

to stay near it foreverlong..

but never completes its journey to the river..

leaves it midway like i do with my sentences..

coz it thinks whether the river would ever understand its desire of closeness..

pure and holy..

and maybe the straw has never been understood..

coz it never expected the river to understand anything..

for maybe the amount of longing in its heart..

could never be reciprocated by the river,if misunderstood..

so it stays on the bank..

until one day,the river comes ashore to show its understanding and holds the straw..

and the straw drowns.

to be the heart that knows love

prologue-this is not a poetry,nor is this any form of a song or a story...its just words that fall out unknowingly..words that know not any rhythm,any conduct,any rule,any art..This piece here,is just a state of mind.

as im sitting on the chair..

under that tree which is not the only one around..

surrounded by people,or friends,i know not..

immersed in chitchats,or silence,i know not..

all m looking at is the ray of sunlight..

how it finds me no matter how much i hide behind the leaves..

like its related to me somehow...

how it pierces through me..

and reads whats in my heart..

but i dont like being vulnerable..

so i lay my head down..

listening to ray charles..

in a different world..

the world with the same tree and leaves..

and the ray of sunlight..

but its just me..

i hold the hands of the sun-ray..

and i leave..

and i ask questions..

seeking no answers,just asking questions..

for today i dont want to be wise..

today i'll just be curious..

and full of desire that m not ashamed of..

the desire to be..

and to be the heart that knows love..

again.

perhaps one day

perhaps one day..

i wont find that forest that beautiful..

whose silence made me sense i had a soul..

the first one,who heard all my songs,patiently..

and ruffled itsleaves to appreciate..

perhaps one day..

i wont wash my face in the river on that hillside..

whose water was the bluest i'd ever seen..

by whose side i wept of all my woes..

and it created ripples and waves to keep me amazed and glad..

accepted all my tears,no matter how blue she was and felt..

perhaps one day..

i wont go up that mountain..

who tore me down to stop me from conquering him..

but gifted me with the spsctacular world as prize..

like a father..

standing against whose winds made me feel the strongest..

and gave me the wings to dream and the desire to fly..

perhaps one day..

i wont walk that road..

where i saw my first mirage,n i believed in magic..

it made me walk and never answered my questions..

and i walked and never questioned..

so my destiny came as a surprise and not an answer!

perhaps one day..

i wont stand out in that rain..

who embraced me back whenever i spread my arms out to her..

like my first friend it covered the tears on my face with its drops..

so that none would see me crying and pity on me..

and kissed on my lips to let me know she'd always come back..

perhaps one day..

when i'd forget to remember it all..

i'd remember to forget you.

pursuit

the night that always falls silent..

like a good listener..

listening to the way the world dreams..

without interrupting them with reality..

and you like on your bed..

face down..

neither awake..

nor asleep..

vague ideas floating..

in your messed up head and life..

trying to change the way you've lived..

before..

imagining the outcomes..

when you know..

things won't change..

but you might..

and then a strange thought arrives..

the perfect moments distorted..

by desires..

by thoughts..

by hopes..

by possibilities..

possibilities..

and you drift into that world..

of what what could've been yours..

but never was..

and trying to search for perfection..

reliving your past..

you discover..

what understands you the best..

is what eludes you the most..

romeo and lily

in a hurry,he ran off the baker street..

there awaited him,his beloved..

juliet in green satin,his pretty muse..

he had eyes just for her..

nobody in the world but her..

and then he remembered..

he had bought no present..

running,he snatched 2 roses that the baker street begger girl sold..

who yelled something about 2 dollars a rose..

"you've stolen them from a garden,filthy thief",he yelled and ran..

and ran to his juliet..

swaying her in his arms,smothering her with love..

and Lliy saw them;tears in eyes;smile on face..

Lily..

born in a midcity slum..

never saw her mother..

never knew her father..

bred in an aura of hatred,neglect,dislike,fear..

but she always hoped..

hoped to love..

hoped to be loved..

hoped to see love some day..

hoped..

'till she cried to sleep,hungry..

growing up,she saw men begging for money..

they never slept hungry..

so she begged..

but she hoped of dignity too..

so she sold roses..

at the baker street..

everyday..

which nobody bought..

she had to sleep crying,hungry..

so the gardener never gave her more than 2 to sell..

coz nobody bought..

but she was happy today..

valentine's day..

she wouldnt sleep hungry,she knew..

so she stood happily at the baker street..

waiting..

but then came a man..

running..

snatched her roses,and yelled something about 'thief'..

she cried..

she'd sleep hungry again..

but then she saw him running to a woman..

he called her juliet..

swaying her in his arms,smothering her with love..

and Lily saw them;tears in eyes;smile on face..

for she'd seen love,her hope lived..

she blessed the couple and went away..

she wouldnt sleep hungry,she ate love..

and they call Romeo the eternal lover..

romeos of the honeymoon valleys

longing for a story to be told..

its a feeling that both kills me and makes me live..

like a beautiful verse loosely let,on hold..

maybe greedy,maybe saint-like..

wants to love,scared to give..

birds that were free,have flown in my sky..

do they forget that they have a nest far away..?

and then me,the sky,am about to give it a try..

they go home,for the day wouldnt stay..

spending more time with the sky,but loving home altogether..

who is loved more,is what a mystery..!

at times i feel like the air which fill voids..

keeping silence away,creating winds-silently..

and when life fills inside the voids,so it will..

drifting away quietly,as air does-calmly..

no questions asked,no answers shown..

just like the TV set,where every show is great..

when theres nothing to do..

but as life flows alive,so it will..

im just a TV set,static,entertainment and the idiot box-im a metaphor..!

at times,im like a rainbow with no clouds around..

beautiful,if they're free to look up and watch..

otherwise just another thing in the sky..

a part of a picture,existent,not persistent..

i would know though,what the rainbow feels..

or so does the TV set..

staying in the sky..

or playing all the shows all along..

for always if somebody comes to watch..

i'll give them what they need..

promises not expected,hopes not created..

just like..

romeos of the honeymoon valleys......

when my parchment speaks

its the story of a parchment..

woven by thoughts and hands..

created by a mind so strong..

and a heart so fragile..

the first line had a woman running..

parchment spoke she was too cunning..

protagonist waved off and shrugged..

called the writer too preoccupied,bugged..

parchment quarelled,had issues with hate..

said some woman screamed something of fate..

with the protagonist deluded,transfixed..

on the writer his thoughts were miffed..

he blamed his soul,he couldnt resist..

the parchment consoled,asked him to persist..

no woman around,protagonist nabbed..

parchment waited as the writer jabbed..

protagonist thought his life was blue..

quills felt like wars going through..

parchment spoke of grey and mist..

blue's a rain of ink and wrist..

quills will work and fill him by..

with a story so pretty that he'll start to cry..

the writer smiled and spoke to the three..

scribbled the end and set them free..

but free is what,can ever be their soul..?..

together is what they have a role..

and then i thought,if i can ever be the writer again..

my parchment will,ever if cry of quills and pain..

love he wants,and lines he'd get..

anticipation,for the end,but he'd never sweat..

and then i know,what comes and leaves..

emotional traps,i never try to weave..

the faces i like they run away...

and i despise the ones that choose to stay..

they dont like to love that whats my part..

a wanderer brain,a philosopher heart..!